When you’re struggling with infertility, it can be extremely isolating when it feels like every person around you has kids or is pregnant. So many celebrations—baby showers, birthday parties, holidays and other family gatherings—spotlight kids, babies, and parents, a constant reminder to those experiencing infertility about what they so desperately want and don’t have.
In a recent post on Reddit, one mom-to-be asked if she’s wrong for wanting to uninvite her sister-in-law from her upcoming baby shower. “My SIL (38F), who I’ll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF,” she wrote, explaining that she herself got pregnant with twins “almost immediately” after stopping birth control.
It seems that the mom-to-be recently had family over to show off her nursery, but “Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she’d rather not see it,” she said, adding that Jane “went out to the porch while we went inside.”
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“We were talking about babies (sister and other SIL both have young children) and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation,” she continued. “My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying. After that, Jane started crying and left the room. We all went after her to talk to her and she said she feels awful having to constantly hear about our babies.”
Jane then “went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she’s the only one of us without a child now. She thinks our mom treats her like she’s less than my sister and other SIL because they have kids and now that I’m pregnant, we don’t talk about anything but kids.” She also called them “insensitive when we know that she’s infertile,” noting that while Jane attends every gender reveal, baby shower, and birthday party, but “but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes.”
“I kind of want to uninvite [Jane] from my baby shower next week because I’m scared she’ll ruin the vibe,” she said. “I feel bad for her, but she can’t keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations.” OP’s mom said it will only serve to exclude Jane further, and that she should be supported instead of shut out.
Plenty of fellow Reddit commenters empathized with Jane’s feelings, having experienced infertility struggles themselves. The vast majority of commenters agreed that instead of uninviting Jane, that OP should have a conversation with her and ask her if she’d rather spend one-on-one time together before the baby comes, preferably in a baby-free setting, such as a spa day or theater outing. “Something to tell her she’s important to you,” one commenter suggested. “When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that—you can let her know you want her to know she matters too before things have to change.”
One person agreed, adding, “Simply uninviting her would make her feel more left out and isolated which will add to her negative feelings.” Others chided OP for having a lack of empathy and compassion, but some did note that Jane should really be seeking support to navigate her feelings around infertility so she is not becoming emotional at every family gathering.
Several commenters mentioned that trying to foster a relationship with Jane that doesn’t revolve around “baby stuff” could actually help OP in those all-consuming early months and years, when it feels like you lose your identity as a person outside of being a new mom. Even just quick baby-free outings like coffee, lunch, or a movie date can help both feel connected to each other and themselves, which we all need sometimes.
Hopefully OP is able to figure out a solution that allows her to celebrate in her baby joy while being supportive of Jane and her feelings, too.
