The toxic mother-in-law has been a trope since basically the beginning of time, which means there must be plenty of truth in it. But are all mothers-in-law destined to be bitter, jealous, and narcissistic? Of course not! And one mom claims she knows the key to not becoming a toxic mother-in-law — and it’s actually super simple.
In a now-viral TikTok video, Janelle Marie, who posts as @millennialmatleave, let us all in on the secret: The best mothers-in-law just have their own lives.
“The key to being a non-toxic mother-in-law is locked somewhere within filling your own cup,” she says in the video. “Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy.”
Is it really that simple? Is that all it takes?
Yeah, Janelle says. And in her video, she goes on to explain how to do it.
“Nurturing friendships, nurturing relationships, nurturing your marriage,” she continues. ” unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law, or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”
That does make sense when you think about it. How many moms in the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s made motherhood their entire identity? Mine, for sure. She was a stay-at-home mom who had no friends or hobbies. And now, it shows.
“I get it. That’s all easier said than done,” Janelle says at the end of her video. “But I definitely think it’s something we need to be aware of.”
In the comments, viewers agreed with her very simple assessment.
“My toxic mother-in-law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” one wrote.
Another said, “Yessssss!! My MIL has no life outside of her children/grandchildren and going to work! I always said she’d be better if she actually had her own interests.”
Even some mothers-in-law weighed in.
“I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies,” one commented.
Maybe it really is this simple.
Tips for dealing with a toxic mother-in-law
If you already have an in-law in your life that you love but need to protect your peace from, here are some tips to help you set boundaries and let the relationship work for you.
- Set boundaries: Don’t take on their pain or engage in their anger. Be polite and respectful, and state your truth clearly.
- Practice self-care: Try journaling, meditation, or mindfulness to help with negative feelings.
- Don’t take it personally: Recognize that your mother-in-law is who she is, and that her behavior may be a result of past experiences.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, and remind yourself that you aren’t alone.
- Communicate thoughtfully: Communicate honestly, and don’t get sucked into their game.
- Consider the reasons behind her behavior: Try to understand why she behaves the way she does.
- Avoid her when possible: If you can, try to limit your interactions with her.
- Maintain your self-respect: Don’t try to meet her expectations.
- Learn ways to predict her behaviors: Try to anticipate what she might do next.
- Reach out to a therapist: If you need help, you can consider talking to a therapist in your area.
