The 2024 Democratic National Convention is officially underway, and the first speakers are preparing to take the stage, to pour out their wisdom and profound commentary upon us (and, no, I was utterly unable to write that with a straight face; that’s why I’m in print media, not television.)
Being the diligent purveyor of political news that I am, I have exercised a feat of intrepidity and managed to arrange a list of Monday’s speakers. Having studied most of these high-profile people for years now, I have a pretty good idea of what they will be saying on this night of nights.
President Joe Biden will give his speech to the convention, less than one month after dropping out of the presidential race, and first lady Jill Biden will also speak. Another notable speaker is former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who was the Democratic nominee in the last in-person DNC in 2016.
Other speakers confirmed to be speaking on Monday evening include, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, United Auto Workers union President Shawn Fain, Gov. Andy Beshear (D-KY). The night will also see several members of Congress address the crowd, including Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Jamie Raskin (D-MD), Jasmine Crockett (D-TX), and Greg Meng (D-NY), along with Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Raphael Warnock (D-GA).
So, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, here are my predictions.
President Joe Biden. I’m told that it’s time to turn the chair over to Kamala now. I’ve always liked Kamala, ever since we served together in the Peace Corps in 1955. I mean 1957. She used to ride the Amtrak back and forth with me and Jill and John F. Kennedy before he moved to Dallas. John F. Kennedy was a friend of mine, and Kamala is no John F. Kennedy. She’s more of a Jane F. Kennedy. Or she would be if she was a woman. I don’t know. I’m not a biologist. But the mealy-mouthed guy who wasn’t even there might think that would be, you know, the thing. Good night, everyone, and may flights of pudding cups sing me to my rest.
First Lady Jill Biden. While I’m sure Kamala will do a fine job as president, Joe certainly could have handled a second term. I’m a doctor. I should know. Joe and I are looking forward to retirement and to spending time with our six grandchildren… Wait, what? (To someone off-stage) Seven? You mean I have to acknowledge that… Oh, all right. Our seven grandchildren; we’ll be spending time with all seven grandchildren while Joe is still sharp as a tack. Best of luck to Kamala and Tim, who I… know. Who they are.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. We are happy to be here, to support Kamala and Tim seeking the White House. We… well, We can appreciate the history-making that Kamala has done, taking the title of first woman vice president… (teeth gritting) and now maybe first woman president, and first woman of color… as president…
Excuse me (taking a long pull at a glass of clear liquid that smells strongly of vodka).
Anyway. Best of luck to Kamala. And Tim. Good evening. (Under her breath as she stomps angrily off the stage) 2016 should have been mine. It was my turn. Peasants. They don’t know what’s good for them. And these… upstarts…
See Related: Have They No Shame: Another Disgusting Tim Walz ‘Stolen Valor’ Moment at DNC
CNN’s Kasie Hunt Gushes Over ‘Beautiful’ Kamala, Plays Soundbite of Trump Ripping Harris Time Mag Cover
I didn’t compile notes on the lesser speakers, but you can be sure that it will be some combination of fawning adulation for the Harris/Walz ticket, claims of Orange Man Bad, and calls for more taxes and free abortions for all.
Stick with us, dear readers. This will be going on all week.
